Running For Office

In case this retirement thing does not work out, I have been thinking about becoming a politician; after all, that's where the really big money is. Plus, you cannot be fired; if you screw up, you simply retire with a generous pension (think Lois Lerner).

In preparation for such a move, I have been watching political ads on TV for tips on how to run (side note: although I believe forcing detainees at Guantanamo to watch these ads would be a much more effective interrogation technique than "water-boarding", I am pretty sure the courts would strike it down as "cruel & unusual punishment").

Here's what I have learned so far:

• Run only negative ads with a minimal amount of truth so as to mislead uninformed voters and hide the fact that you have no accomplishments of your own nor a realistic plan for the future.
• Lie like a rug when talking to the public and press. However, if you are under oath and threat of perjury, either take the fifth or better yet, use the "cannot recall" defense.
• Promise voters everything for free, after all, it's only taxpayer money. 
• Surround yourself with "yes" men & women who will do the dirty work for you. This gives you "plausible deniability" in the rare case there is someone in the media who is unbiased and wants to properly vet a candidate.
• Let special interest groups know that all that talk about helping the poor and the middle class is just political rhetoric. If you want help, it's just a matter of contributing to the campaign. 

Anyone, who has additional ideas as to how I might run for office, please feel free to comment in the section below.